September 21, 2026

I had a terrible night. I feel hurt and unwanted, as usual. I don't like feeling like a child and that's exactly how I've been feeling for hours now. I keep deleting social media accounts and making new ones hoping nobody follows after these new pages knowing it's me. I hate myself and I hate everyone else. I want a new start. I want to take the body of someone else, a baby. A brand new start.

I'll have a long shower tonight and try to calm down, I really don't want to be upset before my first day back in University. It's hard enough. I'll be dropped off around 10 am. Most would think that's absurd for a 1 pm class but I like it. Knowing I can find a quiet spot and study or watch something without worrying about when to leave, the length of the walk, looking dishevelled after the walk there, any of this. Walkling is hard too. I feel embarrassed crossing the road and I hate trying to cross roads where there are no lights or striped paths. I hate walking past people, especially people walking their dogs. Aahh, that's scary. I hope I can be pretty and I can feel calm tomorrow.

Something else that's on my mind, I saw a post about anal rape today. I've been thinking of ways to ease that into this entry but there is no way to. Sorry. Anyways, I just can't stop thinking about it. I can't be reminded. Every mention reminds me, I fixate on it for hours. My stomach hurts and I start to sweat. I bet if I were to show him the same humerous tweet he'd find it hilarious. He'd really crack up. Find a way to slip a joke in, an innuendo about what he's done. I wonder if that makes me lucky? To have a rapist (I'm still not used to calling him that, my stomach turned), who admits to it. He called himself a rapist months and months, maybe a year before I ever could. Most victims, am I a victim if I can't stomach calling him a rapist, would dream of their assaulter being so truthful. I don't know. It doesn't matter because most of those victims want honesty so they can report the perpetrator and have them punished. He knows I cannot. I won't ever. He knows and that's very laughable, I know this too.

September 24, 2026

Classes have been terrible. The first was horribly boring. I've never known someone so happy to drone on about maps. I nearly fell asleep several times. The second kicked off at 9 am with questions about transgenderism and Gaza. I wouldn't have cared if it wasn't so restrictive. We were asked what charities we'd donate to and what forms of protest we'd engage in for transgenderism and for Gaza. No question of if I would and of course my hesitation was sniffed out. Now everyone thinks I'm a TERF. So what if I am? We're in University not a transgender support group. You're supposed to go into these environments expecting vastly different ideas to be presented to you. I'd understand the disdain if I couldn't defend my positions but I can so why be so bitter. I don't understand it. Oh well.

I've been thinking of having a rose hot chocolate, this is sort of a note to myself. I need to order some dried rose, cacao powder, and cinnamon sticks.